But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
