Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
