Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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