Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
