there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
