did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
