Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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