Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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