got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
We left the knife in your bed.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize