I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
