His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
