He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
