Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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