I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
