you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize