you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize