what day is it and did you see me today?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
i think i just lost a toe
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
