I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
