im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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