End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
