hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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