I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
