You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
