If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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