hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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