My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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