I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
