So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
