im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
