Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
