Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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