My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Randomize
