Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
