I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
