what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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