so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
