there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
