My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Randomize
