Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
