put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
