someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
