I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
