Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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