I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
