if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
