Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
