I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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