I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize