moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize