my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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