I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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