Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
