the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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