On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Randomize
