i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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