I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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