Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
the gays at disneyland are vicious
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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