Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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