Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
