a queef is a wish your heart makes.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
