how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
