I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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