I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
