Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
