the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
